DISCLAIMER: I am not a licensed professional who is qualified to give medical advice on mental health issues. I am simply sharing my story. If you need help, please seek a professional. I also understand that grief is a heavy topic, please proceed only if you have the mental and emotional capacity.
Today is my dad's first birthday in heaven. He would have been 54, but he passed away in January of this year, just three months away from what would have been my wedding day. It's been hard, to say the least. Although my dad's passing was somewhat expected because he'd been battling health issues since he was a teen, there's just nothing that can prepare you for losing a parent.
It comes and goes
Honestly, I'm still grieving, and I'm not sure that I'll ever stop. What I've learned so far is that grief comes and goes, and it pops up at random times. One time, I was in line for the bathroom at a restaurant and I really needed to go. When the door finally opened, an apologetic man with one daughter on his hip and another daughter holding his hand, said, "So sorry, one more kiddo washing her hand." From that 2 second interaction, I saw this pure and strong bond between them that reminded me of my sister and I's relationship with our dad when we were kids. I literally sobbed in the bathroom for 3 minutes.
It doesn't all end in tears, of course. Sometimes, I see something that reminds me of him and I chuckle to myself. I hear his favorite song in random places, and I like to think that it's him saying hello, so I smile to myself.
In those moments, I have to let myself honor my grief and not run away from it. I remind myself that I'm only grieving this much because of all the love that I got to share with and experience from this person, and that in itself is a something to be thankful for -- that I received so much love from someone that losing them hurts.
I recently watched a video of Andrew Garfield where he talked about his mom's passing and described grief as "all the unexpressed love," and it was the most beautiful interpretation of grief that I've ever heard. Seeing it that way allowed me to look beyond the echo of guilt that usually came immediately after I start to think of my dad.
No one can tell me what to do with it
The other thing I've learned is that you don't have to prove your grief to anyone. You don't have to share it on social media, you don't have to announce it to the world that you miss someone you care about. You can post happy things and be happy around other people and still grieve. Your grief is yours and no one can tell you what to do with it.
Finding my support system
Lastly, what's been the most helpful for me is being around people who shared the same love for my dad. After his passing, my sister and I stayed in the Philippines for three months. Being around my family back home made me feel understood and supported. Sometimes just not having to explain how you feel already helps.
Even after we came back to the U.S., my sister and I started hanging out almost every weekend. And I love that although it's been incredibly difficult, this has brought us closer to each other.
Honoring Him
I miss my dad so freakin' much. There's not a day that I don't think of him. He may not be physically here anymore, but his love will always be around. I will honor him, his love, sacrifices and legacy as much as I can and as often as I can.
He always told my sister and I, "basta anak, alagaan nyo ang sarili nyo. Gawin nyo kung anong magpapasaya sa inyo" (always take care of yourselves and do whatever makes you happy). When he passed, I promised myself that I will try to live by those words and find happiness where I can.
Thank you for reading through this. Being open and vulnerable is hard for me, but I'm finding that sharing allows me to process my grief.
If you are also grieving someone or something, I hope that you are finding the support that you need. Please seek professional help if you need it. <3
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